Written while in Cyprus in July 2007
I am not sure if peaceful is the correct adjective to describe the way this place makes me feel. I have searched for a word to fit the feeling that I experienced when I realized the calmness in my head and in my heart over the past few days. I have never been to a place that reminds me of God’s tremendous creation. As I stood on the beach, watching the sun come up over the water, with the waves gently covering my feet, I found myself in awe of what was around me; the pristine water, the white sand, the immense beauty in the light of the sun hitting the miles and miles of water in front of me. I thought to myself, I have found a place that speaks to my heart, not in words, but in a glimpse of the purity that lies around me.
I recalled many times having thought that the beach would be a comforting place for me, but having never experienced a place like this, I did not know the effect being here would have on me. I thought about the times that I imagined walking along the beach, imagining what it would look like, what it would feel like. I didn’t come close to what this experience actually has been. I remember always wanting to share a place like this with another person, a boyfriend, a husband, a close friend, but standing there I took notice of the gift I was being given me from my true love.
I was allowed the opportunity to share this beautiful place with the man who created it. The man who knew that once I was here I would cherish every detail that he took the time to perfect. The man who carried me across the world, away from the clouds that often hide the beauty in the place I live. He called me to a place where I could finally accept that I am blessed by a love that forces all other love to pail in comparison. He knew what my heart was searching for and he answered that search with a gift that proves his perfect love for me.
Taking time to give meaning to every moment I have to share with him, I know why it is now that he has called me here. Tomorrow, the love that is shared between two friends will grow even stronger in their commitment to God and each other. As they stand in front of all of us who have gathered here to celebrate the gift that God has given them, which is the love of a man for his wife, they will ask God into their marriage to be the bond that carries them through good times and bad, through sickness and good health, from that moment on.
As they make that vow to each other, I will make a vow of my own. To my God, my love, the man who has given me this life to experience all that the world has to offer with someone by my side who will never leave me, never forsake me, someone who will always forgive me, always love me, and will always remind me that I am not alone. I will make a vow to never forget his place by my side. A vow that will last for eternity because as a man unconditionally loves his wife, my God, who unconditionally loves me.
Perhaps peace is the right word to describe this feeling. Peace of mind and heart that the search I have lead for many years was over before it began. I have found someone to share my life with, it is my God who has loved me since I was born and will love me and shower me with gifts, blessings like this place, so that I feel his love every moment of every day of my life. My heart can rest, for it has found its companion in God.
Disenchanted, I slowly open my eyes and travel rapidly back to reality. The world around me, although created by the same magnificent maker, is less incredible with the light of real life shining through it. I have always preferred an imaginary world to my reality. Having been a daydreamer since a young age, I became a master of creating make believe life more enticing. This attraction to fantasy is the also the root of many great romances, friendships, and experiences which existed only in my head. Heart broken and disappointed, I never believed this whimsical life could be mine.
Today however, as I venture back to the mountain top, with my eyes closed and my heart aching, I decide to listen instead of speak. On this day, in this magnificent place, I hear something quite incredible. The familiar voice coming from the Heavens is proclaiming a great message. My heart begins to race as the words echo from the valleys below me. Again I squeeze my eyes tight, only not to prepare myself to speak, but to allow my heart to listen; to grow more like a great sponge, soaking each word poured upon me.
Gone from my mind are the fictitious characters of love, out of my reach are the trifles of a grand life in extraordinary places. Like a pitcher being filled with fresh water, I am gradually filled with a fresh spring of pleasure. The pleasure that comes from surrender. The pleasure that only the great Lord above can provide. The pleasure that seems so fulfilling, even I cannot imagine searching any further. The message today is simple, one I feel completely at home with. I have heard it before and yet today it appears more real than ever. The proclamation, so commanding and so forgiving, carries with it an urging into action. Just as gently as the words are spoken, my heart stations itself into position. Different than before, I now open my eyes and see my world through His glorious perspective.
My world, my tangible world, has actual potential. Factual people and real determination. This world, this life, is now the penchant. This life, this real life enlivens my soul, invigorates my heart, excites my mind. Prudently I sprint down from the mountain, for it is with great intention that I embrace this world, at last, choosing truth over make-believe.
The further from the mountain I go, the softer the voice becomes, but the message always the same. “For I so the loved the world that I sent my only son that you might not perish but have eternal life.”
1. Only for today, I will seek to live the livelong day positively without wishing to solve the problems of my life all at once.
2. Only for today, I will take the greatest care of my appearance: I will dress modestly; I will not raise my voice; I will be courteous in my behavior; I will not criticize anyone; I will not claim to improve or to discipline anyone except myself.
3. Only for today, I will be happy in the certainty that I was created to be happy, not only in the other world but also in this one.
4. Only for today, I will adapt to circumstances, without requiring all circumstances to be adapted to my own wishes.
5. Only for today, I will devote 10 minutes of my time to some good reading, remembering that just as food is necessary to the life of the body, so good reading is necessary to the life of the soul.
6. Only for today, I will do one good deed and not tell anyone about it.
7. Only for today, I will do at least one thing I do not like doing; and if my feelings are hurt, I will make sure that no one notices.
8. Only for today, I will make a plan for myself: I may not follow it to the letter, but I will make it. And I will be on guard against two evils: hastiness and indecision.
9. Only for today, I will firmly believe, despite appearances, that the good Providence of God cares for me as no one else who exists in this world.
10. Only for today, I will have no fears. In particular, I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe in goodness. Indeed, for 12 hours I can certainly do what might cause me consternation were I to believe I had to do it all my life.
Pope John XXIII
I really wish I had read the Song of Solomon some time before my eighteenth birthday. I think if I had read this book then, I would have saved myself a decade of hopeless decay. Rather, here I sit, twenty eight, my soul mending from another war with mistaken love. I have written too much about this most recent love, and before that spoken too much about the loves, enemies rather, which had come before. At the end of each battle my heart appeared stronger; perhaps more prepared to outlast another. Today I wonder, had I read the book of Songs, would I have preserved my heart for the one, would I have waited and remained woundless?
Although the scar of physical virginity lies in the shallow crevices of our soul, the deeper wound of spiritual purity demands a greater healing when it is inflicted. The decay I speak of is perpetrated by my own hand. My own unraveling as a result of mental, spiritual, physical weakness, laziness, forfeiting the pure, unstained beauty of a chaste heart for one dripping with guilt and pain from awaking love that was simply not ready. A healing is no doubt necessary when we awaken this love. I imagine this is why three times we are implored to wait. Preserving our physical and spiritual covenant with the Father so that when love is ready, so too are we.
Having fought the temptation of human sexuality, I admit the words contained in this book inspire me. Empower me. Reignite the desire in my heart to be chaste and pure for the love the Lord has prepared for me. If only to be worthy of the phrase, “Who is this that looks forth like the dawn, fair as the moon, bright as the sun, terrible as an army with banners!” (Song 6:10) For it is with an army and banners that we are tested to stand steadfast. The Lord does not expect us to withstand temptation alone. He does not call us to resist the temptation of unready love without first fixing our souls with His protection. If only we turn to the Lord, remain within the walls of His fortress until He awakens the love for us.
Fortunately for me, His fortress of protection allows us to reenter without price. He benevolently opens His arms for our return when we recognize that the battlefield of love is far too dangerous for us to wage alone. It is here, within these walls that we find healing. That our souls are made clean, the guilt washed away. When we return and receive His outpouring of love, we are made strong and thus prepared to wait for love to awaken, when it is ready.
A few months back, I sat in reflection after hearing the word of God and a verse discussing the first fruits of our labor. Having a brief experience with the concept, I began to research the topic in order to be sure what I understood first fruits to mean was in line with Christian ideology. I found first fruits to be explained as the practice of offering the first products of your labor to the Lord, in gratitude; in a more broad way, the first results of an undertaking. Assuming permission, I continued to reflect on the harvest of my labor, questioning what my undertakings produce that may be worthy of offering to the Lord?
Evaluating a number of happiness projects I had adopted in my life, I wondered what each of these efforts were yielding with their success. Quitting bad habits obviously made me a healthier person, but was the product of this labor tangible enough to offer up? Being healthy afforded me the frame of mind and physical toughness to serve when the Lord called. My response to His call came at no monumental price, He placed me here to do this work, what He received was surely pleasing, but of no great sacrifice to me. There had to be something in my life that I toiled at, daily, without rest, that would delight the Lord.
Unexpectedly it occurred to me. The greatest work of my life was right there. Sitting heavily on my heart, affecting every move, every word, every breath I took. More than a response to His call to service, it was in following His greatest commandment. “This is my command: that you love one another as I have loved you” (John 15:12). The love I toil after, the labor my love requires of me, yields a most delightful harvest. Perfecting my love for my neighbor, working to love my enemies, laboring to see others and treat others as the Lord our God sees and treats me, comes at a great price.
My human nature conflicts with the divine nature in which the Lord commands us to love one another. It is when I rise above, with toil and strife, to be more Christ-like in my interactions with those around me that I am able to offer up the result of this worthy undertaking to the Lord. Beyond a simple hour or dollar given to those less fortunate, this undertaking requires me to reach within myself, within the inner most workings of my heart and soul, to truly love the man who has rejected me. Deep within what feels right, to a place that hurts my ego, so that I can give aid to the woman who spoke hate of me. It is only in that place, that raw and vulnerable place that I may gather this most precious first fruit and lay it in front of the Lord, my offering in gratitude for His love, his perfect, steadfast, amazing love for me.
Perhaps peace is the right word to describe this feeling. Peace of mind and heart that the search I have lead for many years was over before it began. I have found someone to share my life with, it is my God who has loved me since I was born and will love me and shower me with gifts, blessings like this place, so that I feel his love every moment of every day of my life. My heart can rest, for it has found its companion in God.
